Follow in his footsteps

I am back.

Well here we are again. I have decided to continue my blogs about religion. I know this topic upsets many, but I think it is important. My first blogs were very angry and hurtful, I was mad.
With this new blog I hope to be respectful and considerate. No matter how I approach this subject some will feel I am overstepping my bounds and some will even be offended. There is no way around this.
I am not apologetic about my stance against faith. I believe it to be a bad thing. I will not debate any blog related material on my fb page. If you wish to comment please do so on the blogger site.
Bit religion will not be the only thing I write about. So stick with me.

       I stood outside tonight, feeling the breeze on my face. The sky was dark and peaceful. I could hear the chimes singing in the air from Moms front porch. I could see Zane in the house froze to his computer. The cars quietly passing by. As I was soaking all this in I felt at peace. All the world was right.
       After my hospital stay a month ago I knew that I had to make some changes in my life. Eating healthy and exercise was a no brainer for me. But I knew I needed to change the way I thought, how I interacted with others, and how I treated myself, mentally. Kind of change my inner dialog. I noticed that I had been upset about something or other, or fighting about something for a long long time. I let what I thought others were thinking about me affect who I was.
      I decided that I did not need to change my core beliefs. I just needed to change how I acted upon them. I am still a non believer in any god. But I dont need the stress of fighting about it anymore. I just smile at all the , god loves you's and I'll pray for you's and go on, knowing that the folks who tell me this really mean well.
      I try my very hardest to be upbeat and chipper. Try to stay focused on my goals. Try to stay positive. Speaking of goals, I have some now. I believe that working toward something is key in a happy and fulfilling life. I have weight loss and exercise goals for every day.
      Will write more on this subject later. Got to go tend to Zane

Time

   Oh how we waast time. It is all we have to share with others. It works against us all.
       As I get older and begin to really realize my mortality ,I Think of all the time I have wasted on foolishness.All of the time I have lost to less than worthy causes. Time spent in self intrest. The wasted time being angry or upset.Time I chose not to spend with or on those I love.
        As I have always said, it is always too late when you realize that this might be a bad idea. As a guy with a lifetime of bad ideas I believe that I can write with some athority on the subject. Most of my bad ideas have stolen time away that I could have spent ,,,well ,, better.
       I have spent too much of my time being angry or upset. Too much time wasted poionting out others faults.I think that I am far worse than anyone I talk poorly about or talk down to. ( most of the time we do this to the ones we love. The ones who have , in spite of our own many faults, have for some reason stuck by us) The regrets I will have at the end ,if I do not change, will be unbnearable.
       What of the time I have wasted on sarcasim towards those that I love? The times I have used harsh words instead of kind ones? I would love to take back every single one.How long can you be mean and rash with someone before they resent you?
        I write this because my little Zane is growing so fast.I do not want to wast any time that could be spent on him.I want to share in his life. Every moment if I could. I wasted so much time on fools errands when my other two kids were young. In a blink of an eye they are grown. I think of all the time I wasted on things that were not important when I could have spent it with them. I cannot get it back.
       I also write this because my Dad gave us a scare a few years ago, and we thought we were going to loose him. I cannot imagine a world without him. He has ALWAYS been there for me. The time I have left with him, which I hope is a lot, I do not want to waste. I do not want to waste the time I have with my Mom, who has been an angel to Zane and I. She has done and still does so much for us. I dont know how we could make it without her. I think of the time I would like to spend with my Bro. And the time I can spend with all of my family.
         Time is all I really have.It is all any of us have. You never know when it will run out. Be kind to those you love.

Changes

    Changes , changes. I am still an atheist, my stance on non-belief is stronger than ever. I am just not angry about it any more.
     I got to a point where I had to understand my anger. I came up with several reasons. I felt like I had wasted a lot of my time and energy on something that just isnt true. When I was younger I went to a christian school. I was also at church every time the doors opened. I had dreams of one day becoming a preacher. ( I think I would have been good at it too.) All of that time was, for me, wasted.
    I felt that I had been made to believe a lie. It was kind of like when children come to understand that there is no Santa, no easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy. I do know and understand that for those who truly believe, they do not think that they told me a lie, but that is how I felt.
    I felt the true compassion of those who believed. When I first really started to doubt, I asked questions. When I brought these questions to some of the people I love and respected I was not answered with the love and kindness that christians proclaim. ( I must note that this is not true for all my believing friends) . I did not get any answeres at all. I was made to fell like I had done something wrong. They felt ashamed of me, and wrote me horrible letters. So I was pissed for a while. I got over it though.
     I was met with intolerance and anger. I once thought that the christian religion was very tolerant and understanding. I began to understand that that was only because I believed what they did. As soon as I did  not believe any more I began to understand just how intolerant the religion truly is.
   I know that I have made many people mad at me, I am ok with that. My views have not changed a bit. I just do not feel the anger as much any more.I still get angry about a lot of things that religion does. I still get angry that people like me are treated as outcasts and are thought of as evil. It still makes me angry that atheists do not have a voice in this country. But I am not mad at the people any more. I feel like the people are just acting out what their religion demands of them.
   As always I encourage folks to think and really study what they believe. I would think that if someone wanted to base their whole life on a book they would want to know everything there is to know about it. Like the history of the book and how we got it. This will be the topic of my next blog. In order to truley study about the bible you are going to have to read some stuff that was not eritten by believers. Look if I wanted to study about Nazis I would not just read Nazi literature. Same with the bible. It is far from the perfect book you are led to believe. It may be a week or so before I get into that.

The innocence of a child

   The other day Zane and I were driving to town and talking. He was asking me what different guns were for. He has a 22 and wanted to know if it could kill a deer. I said it could but it was against the law to do so. Time went on as we talked about shotguns and such. Seeing a bunch of holes in a road sign Zane asked what machine guns were for. I told him that they were made to kill people. He thought about this for a while and finally asked,"why would they make them to shoot people ?"
    This made me wonder how the world looked to him. Is it a good place filled with happy and good people. Is it a place of wonder and childish fun? What is going on in that six year old mind? It was hard for me to even try to rut myself in his shoes.
   After a lifetime of the real horrors of this world I could not even begin to think like he does. How wonderful the world must seem to him. I cannot even remember a time when I thought like him. Of course I did have a rough start.
     I would love to have some of that childhood innocence back. Waking in the morning thinking how great the world is, excited about the day. It makes me sad that one day he too will loose this innocence,but I hope it is not soon.

My Hero

   There have been many people who have made positive impacts on my life. It would be hard to put into words the feelings of love and gratitude that I feel for these people. My life has ,at times, been less than memorable. But I have been incredibly fortunate to have been surrounded by some of the most wonderful people during these times. I can say that if it had not been for my family and friends I would have been a far different person today.
     I would like to talk a little about Mason and Polly Smith. My Aunt and Uncle.They took me into their home at a time when I had wore my welcome out at my own.. They taught me that everything did not have to be a fight. They showed me how to love when it was not earned. They also showed me that a little hard work does not hurt. I can never express how much these two people mean to me. I love them dearly.
     Charlie and Linda Baughman also showed me kindness,even when I did not deserve it. They also had a great impact on my life. I would not be in the position I am now if it had not been for Charlie. Charlie is my cousin but also one of my greatest friends.
     There is something else I would like to say about Mason and Polly and Charlie. These are some of the very few christians that I have know that truly live their lives according to the Bible. I will always admire them for that even though I dont agree with them.
       The person I am writing this blog about though is aomeone who has had the most impact on my life. My one hero. My Dad. He has always been my rock throughout my whole life. I have always known that I can depend on him fully. I can trust him fully.There has never been a doubt that he would not be there for me, not even a second.
        I know of no other person as selfless as my father. He has ALWAYS put the needs of his family before himself. He spent many years  working ,not to get himself things but to provide for his,most of the time unappreciative ,family. I cannnot remember many things he has had just for himself. He  ALWAYS put his life on hold for his family and continues to do so.
    My dad tought me many lessons, most by EXAMPLE. HE taught me to be kind to people reguardless of their income or who their family is. He taught me that we were no better than those less fortunate or less educated.He treats everyone the same. He is not arrogant toward anyone. He taught me to give freely.He still teaches me the value of doing for others freely even through opposition. He shows me the value of being patient, every day.
       My father is honest in who he is. He dosnt act one way around one group of people and different around another group. He is who he is no matter where he is. I dont know of anyone who does not like my father. I wish that I would have shown my father the respect and appreciation he deserved when I was a youth,but the young never do. I can promise you one thing I will from here on out.
    Let me also say something about my mother. Ours has been a rocky relationship. But in the last few years we have grown very close. We are able to talk and laugh and communicate. This is so very special to me. I cherish every moment with her. She has been wonderful to Zane,who thinks his grandma is an angle. She has done and conitnues to do so much for me and the kids. Although my recent de-conversion to atheism has tested this relatiopnship we are fine. What kind of man would I be if I did not stand for what I believe or dont believe. My mother is very special and very important to me. I love her with all of my heart.